By Jeffrey Krivis
Conflict happens. It happens in all areas of business. Disputes can arise between employees, between business partners, between a company and a client. And if such issues are not settled, bad things can happen. Good people quit. Profitable relationships dissolve. Great companies go under. This has always been true, of course. But in a global economy the implications of conflict are more profound than ever before.
In a world where relationships matter more than ever, mediation skills matter more than ever. Companies can locate anywhere. People can work anywhere. Clients can stay with you or go with a competitor halfway around the globe. So whether you manage employees or clients or both, it’s critical to learn the art of bringing harmony out of conflict.
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Mind-reading is not magic. It is a combination of observation and intuition, which is born of experience. |
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Here are some insights and tricks of the trade you can use:
Let people tell their story. When a person is deeply upset about something, he really needs to get his story out. This is a basic principle of mediation, and one that’s important to remember when trying to resolve a conflict with an angry employee, client or other associate. Yes, allowing people to speak their minds can increase the level of conflict with which you must deal. But that’s OK. You have to get through the conflict phase to find the solution. Feeling that he has finally “been heard” can dramatically change an angry person’s outlook. Plus, as he tells his story, new information may come to light that allows a solution to naturally emerge.
If someone refuses to budge, take the spotlight off her. Isolation tends to create movement. When you are dealing with a multiparty conflict, you will often discover that there is one person who insists on taking a hard line approach. She refuses to compromise, shooting down every solution that’s presented and holding out for what she wants. My suggestion? Take the attention off the “last woman (or man) standing” and begin settling around her (or him). It’s amazing how well the isolation technique works. You’ll find that the holdout starts to anxiously call and send emails, trying to get things going again. When her perceived power is neutralized, she quickly sees the value of compromise.
Identify the true impediment. In every conflict, ask yourself, “What is the true motivating factor here? What is really keeping this person from agreeing to a solution?” When you can identify the impediment, you can predict how the person will respond to certain ideas and you can shape negotiations accordingly. Also, in a conflict, the various parties are so focused on minutiae that they lose sight of the big picture and all its implications. You need to bring people back to reality by wrenching their attention away from the grain of sand and having them focus on the whole beach. Doing so may help resolution arrive at a startling speed.
Learn to “read minds.” Mind-reading is not magic. It is a combination of observation and intuition, which is born of experience. You can learn a lot about how each party sees a dispute by paying attention to body language and listening closely not only to their words but also to the emotional tone behind their words. If you give them the opportunity, most people involved in a dispute will gladly talk about themselves, which gives you a chance to ask more questions and gain more information about their perspective. Once you see things from their point of view, you can stay one step ahead of them by anticipating how they might react and managing the negotiation accordingly.
Think creatively about ways people can cooperate rather than clash. In every negotiation, there is a tension between the desire to compete and the desire to cooperate. Be on the lookout for signals that support a cooperative environment. That’s where the most creative solutions are born.
“Edit the script” to help people see their situation in a different light. People tend to get stuck in their positions because they are telling what happened from a narrow viewpoint. They’ve relayed their story over and over again, and their perception has become their reality. They can’t see the situation any other way unless you help them to do so. You can take a larger view that looks not at one party or the other “winning,” but at both parties working toward a mutual goal. One way to help them get to this goal is to edit their script—retell their story about the dispute as a positive, forward-looking construction. In this way you literally give them the words to see their options in a new light.
Avoid the “winner’s curse” by carefully pacing negotiation. Believe it or not, it is possible to reach a solution too quickly. When a deal seems too easy, a kind of buyer’s remorse can set in that leaves people with second thoughts about the outcome. One or both parties may be left with the feeling that if things had moved more slowly, they might have cut a better deal. Here’s the bottom line: don’t rush the dance or the negotiation will fail. Even when you know you can wrap things up quickly, it’s to everyone’s advantage to keep the negotiation proceeding normally, for a reasonable amount of time.”
Finally, realize that every conflict can’t be solved. What if you’ve tried and tried to help two warring factions find a fair solution and you just can’t? It may sound odd coming from a mediator, but some conflicts just aren’t winnable. Not every negotiation is going to have a win-win outcome; not everyone can live together in harmony. There are times you just have to accept that both parties are going to leave the table equally unhappy. When you’ve mediated enough conflicts, you will know in your gut when that time has arrived. Isolate the participants if possible and just move on.
Improvisational negotiation is kind of like jazz. You have to know your chords, your scales, your patterns, your licks. But ultimately, these are building blocks, not formulas. The chords you use depend on the chords you hear from the other participants, and vice versa. It’s a conversation. It’s organic. There are no limits on what can come out of mediation, and that’s what makes it such a powerful skill.
Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved.
Jeffrey Krivis, author of Improvisational Negotiation: A Mediator’s Stories of Conflict About Love, Money, Anger—and the Strategies That Resolved Them, has been a successful mediator and a pioneer in the field for 16 years and has served as the president of the International Academy of Mediators and the Southern California Mediation Association. Contact him through his website at www.firstmediation.com.
October 2006
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