Advisor Today > > August 2001: E2E

E2E: Put a Smile on Your Family's Face

Enhance your relationships with these principles of validation.

By Gary and Joy Lundberg

Listening and validating skills are not only important in communicating with family members; they are also critical in attracting and maintaining clients and dealing effectively with co-workers. How parents use validation to communicate with their children is a technique that works well in the home as well as in the office.

There was no "Hi, Mom, I'm home." Instead Ellen heard her frustrated 14-year-old daughter, Emily, yelling to her: "I am so mad at my friend! She borrowed my favorite sweater and now it has stains all over it!"

What would be your automatic response to Emily's statement if you were her mother? As parents, we feel it is our job to make our children's lives better--to tell them what to do when they have a problem, cheer them up when they feel down, reprimand them when they don't obey us and chastise them when they go against our family values. We continue to do what doesn't work in the name of love and wonder why our kids rebel.

There is a way to empower our children to make responsible choices and feel deeply loved in the process. It's important to validate our children. Validation means walking beside another person emotionally without changing his or her direction. That feels a little scary to worried parents. Some don't believe their children will come up with good solutions and pour out their own grand ideas and sage advice to closed ears.

Ellen told us she had confrontations with her daughter almost every day after school. "Emily comes home frustrated over something that happened and when I tell her what to do about it, she yells: `You just don't get it, Mom' and runs to her room," she said. "We always end up arguing."

The art of validation

Then Ellen learned the six principles of validation and how they work with teenagers. "This time, when my daughter expressed her anger over her friend ruining her sweater, I didn't say what I normally would have said, which was: `I told you not to lend your clothes,' she said. "Instead, I validated her feelings by saying, `That would be very frustrating.' My daughter responded with, `Yes, it is, and I hate her for it!' Without giving any lectures on how we shouldn't hate, I continued validating: `It would be difficult to have your favorite sweater ruined.' She softened a bit and said, `It is, Mom. I really liked that sweater.' Then I used one of the validating questions: `What are you going to do, honey?' Emily confidently responded: `I'm never going to lend my clothes again.'"

Given a chance to feel what they're feeling and then asked what they can do about their problems without being offered any advice, children will usually come up with good solutions. People don't like to be told what to do because it makes them feel stupid and incapable of handling life's challenges. This applies to young children, teenagers and adult children. Too often, parents believe they have to make everything better and fail to give their children the opportunity to learn how to solve problems on their own. It's amazing how smart children can become if they are given the chance to think through a problem and come up with their own solutions.

Validation does not necessarily mean you agree. It simply means you are allowing the other person to feel and express what he is going through without interruption. This action will let the other person feel valued and understood, and more capable of making rational decisions.

By using the following six principles, you can empower family members and others to solve their own problems and feel that you care deeply for them in the process.

Principle one: be an effective validator.

Walk beside your child emotionally without trying to change his direction. You don't need to tell him what to do. It is important to recognize the universal need within all of us--which is to feel that we are worthy, our feelings matter and someone really cares about us. You can fulfill this need by validating a person's feelings.

Principle two: leave the responsibility where it belongs.

Responsibility for the problem lies with the person who has the problem. We can offer help, but we can't make it better. We need to trust that, given the opportunity, the person will come up with good solutions. At times, boundaries may need to be enforced and this can be done in a kind, gentle, respectful and firm manner that causes no ill will.

Principle three: acknowledge emotions.

Let others feel what they are feeling without trying to change or correct their emotions. No one likes to be told, "You shouldn't feel that way." By using the following four rules of validation, they will feel valued and loved: 1) Listen by giving your full attention. 2) Listen to the emotions. 3) Listen to the needs. 4) Gain an understanding from the other person's perspective, not yours. Doing this allows the person to feel what he is feeling and helps him reach a more logical conclusion.

Principle four: develop the art of listening.

Learn to listen for information when someone is sharing a problem or frustration with you. Don't shift into a problem-solving mode. Just listen and allow the person to process what's going on, remembering that you don't have the power to make it better--he does. Listen for the operative words and use those words in your response.

For example, your son says: "I didn't make the team and I'm really disappointed." The operative word here is "disappointed." So you would say to him: "That would be disappointing. You've worked very hard." This lets him know you are genuinely listening and understanding. He doesn't need to be cheered up with a "You'll probably make it next time." In fact, that won't cheer him up. That will make him think you don't really care or understand the depth of his disappointment.

Principle five: find the right time to teach.

Parents have the responsibility of teaching their children principles and values. However, too many parents teach during the heat of the moment, which is the wrong time to give advice. Look for special times when you are not in conflict to talk about ideas and values. Children are more receptive during peaceful times, such as when you are tucking them in at night or eating dinner together.

Principle six: learn validating phrases and questions.

The use of validating phrases lets your child know that you are really listening and that you care. A few simple phrases and sentences are: "Oh, wow," "Hmmm, that would be hard" and "I think I might have felt the same way." This lets the child know you are listening and that you understand what he is going through. Validating questions help the child go "inside" and come up with his own solutions. Some of these questions are: "What happened?" "What did you do?" "What do you think you could do?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" These questions help children feel trusted and capable of solving their own problems.

As you put these principles into practice, you will be pleasantly surprised at how much your relationship with your children, your spouse and other family members will improve. As they take on their responsibilities, they will begin to make wiser choices and a feeling of peace will fill your home. You will also notice many more smiles on the faces of your family members.

As you use these principles, you will also gain a nice side benefit in dealing with your fellow employees and clients. In fact, they can improve every relationship in all walks of life.

Gary Lundberg is a marriage and family therapist and Joy Lundberg is a writer and speaker. They will be featured speakers at the NAIFA 2001 Convention and Career Conference, which takes place Sept. 8-12 in Salt Lake City, Utah. You can contact them at their website at www.allbetter.net.

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