By Ron Hauenstein, CLU, ChFC

Listen in on a recent conversation I had with an IRS agent.

IRS: Hello, Mr. Hauenstein. It’s good to see you back here again.

RH: Well, I wish I could say the same.

IRS: How’s the family? Still have all those deductions under one roof?

RH: For the time being. Our daughter is a senior in coll...

IRS: I bet you’re taking advantage of the Lifetime Learning Credit, aren’t you?

RH: That does come in handy. What I’m after is just some information about the kinder, gentler IRS, and I do have a specific question.

IRS: We’re proud of the new approach.

RH: Can you give me some specific examples of your kindness and gentleness?

IRS: Of course. When you get audited, your notice comes with a “get out of jail free” card. (Raucous laughter follows.)

RH: Ha, ha, that is a good idea. But it seems odd that “the IRS” also spell “theirs.”

IRS: Mr. Hauenstein, it is our duty to collect from Americans what they rightfully owe.

RH: Well, yes, but the complexity of the code is, frankly, overwhelming. I mean, the Tax Code has 7 million words. The Bible has just 700,000.

IRS: God’s writers didn’t have to deal with the alternative minimum tax.

I just want to know why Americans had to work until April 27 last year just to pay their taxes.

RH: I suppose you’re right. But it still seems excessive. Are you a CPA?

IRS: Yes, how did you guess?

RH: The Valentine’s Day card you sent had bullet points.

IRS: An example of the kinder, gentler…

RH: But what can we do about the burden on the rich? In 2000 the top 25 percent of taxpayers paid 84 percent of the federal income tax. What do you say about that?

IRS: Having money is rather like being a blond. It’s more fun but not vital. Mary Quant said that.

RH: So you think the government has the first right to the money that I earn?

IRS: Of course. That’s why we can’t have tax cuts. Look at what will happen to the deficit. You can’t expect the government to borrow enormous sums of money, can you?

RH: I expect the government to live within its means and control its spending.

IRS: Don’t you remember what Ronald Reagan said about the government’s mission? If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it. Taxation, regulation, subsidization—these take money.

RH: President Reagan was speaking facetiously, sir.

IRS: Did you know that we have more employees than Microsoft and Intel combined?

RH: Doesn’t surprise me. Can we get back to why I’m here? I’m helping a woman deal with the Earned Income Credit and—

IRS: Schedule EIC and line 41 of the 1040 and possibly Form 8812.

RH: I have all those. Where can I...

IRS: There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t!

RH: Let’s get back on track. You define exceptions to the “time-lived-with-you” condition. It says “Temporary absences such as for school, vacation, medical or detention in a juvenile facility count as time lived at home. If your child is presumed to have been kidnapped by someone who is not a family member, see Pub. 596 to find out if that child is a qualifying child for EIC.” Would the government disqualify this woman from receiving the EIC because her child was kidnapped and thus did not meet the “time-lived-with-you” condition?

IRS: I don’t like your tone of voice.

RH: I just want to know why Americans had to work until April 27 last year just to pay their taxes.

IRS: Do you know what we collect from fishermen? Their net income!

RH: (Muttering through the laughter as I leave) I’ve got a bumper sticker for you. “Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re an idiot.”

Ron Hauenstein, CLU, ChFC, signed his first contract in 1983. Contact him at rhauenstein@ft.newyorklife.com.

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